Birthdays, Deathdays, and Unfulfilled Dreams

December 7th was my brother’s birthday, whom I lost 8 years ago. He would be 30 this year. Birthdays of lost loved ones can be difficult.

I personally don’t like remembering anniversaries of sad events. If I feel blue on that day, fine, but purposefully diving into a mournful state on the anniversary of a sad day? Not my thing. I often miss my dad and brother, but it is not often on the anniversary of their deaths or their birthdays. It is random days when I am living life and their absence is almost unbearable. Those are the days I mourn.

When I gave birth to my kids, mixed with the immeasurable joy, in those first days I also felt a deep sense of loss over not being able to share my joy with my dad or brother or introduce them to the newest family members. Some days I need fatherly advice or to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.” I mourn the fact that my dad’s not here to give it. Sometimes I need my brother, but Preston is unreachable. Those are the days I mourn.

If I leave loved ones behind I wouldn’t want them getting sad on my birthday or deathiversary. The thought of others feeling like they owe it to me to feel sad on specific days each year sounds dreadful. I would want them to miss me, sure. I hope I have made myself missable.

Last year Solomon and Shylah were baptized on December 7th, so now we can celebrate their birthday this day every year! They couldn’t be any more precious.

I have a dream of doing something special this day every year… Make a special meal, reminisce, I don’t know… something. We didn’t do anything ¬†today. Solomon’s not feeling well, and I’m not doing so great either. But that’s okay! Just because one year goes by where my dreams don’t come true, all is not lost! They still see today as special. They know how blessed they are to be part of God’s family and haven’t forgotten that this is their 1st spiritual birthday. And they know they are special to me. That’s what matters, whether or not I can make a hoopla about it.

Here’s to birthdays, dreams, and being content when your dreams don’t pan out as you imagined.

Be blessed and CHOOSE joy!

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